this origami dream is beautiful

i really appreciate what you’ve said, but it kind of bothers me that you consider this the most mature thing i’ve ever said. after i posted it, i expected to get at least one person telling me how immature and childish i was, because when i posted it, i kind of felt that way. “i’m 24 and writing the most emo sob story on a fucking blog site that is ruled by 15 year old ~offensive~ bloggers at 3 AM while i’m crying in my bed.” still, i needed to get it out there, so i did it anyway.

pushing that part aside, i haven’t spoken to jonah in a few days. well, that’s kind of a lie, because i text him before i wrote my post last night, but all i said was “how ya doin?” but i never responded to his reply. i need to learn to distance myself from him. at this moment in time, i can’t completely distance myself from him, because he is helping me with the fact that i don’t have a car and i don’t have a job by paying my phone bill and letting me use his car when i really need to, but i can at least not be at his house every single day and i don’t have to talk to him every single day. i’m starting with baby steps. eventually, when i’m off the phone plan and i’ve got a job and i’ve got a car, i can just get away for good. when he does nice things for me, he does the most selfless and wonderful things for me. i always hold on to that and choose to forget the times that he ignores my calls for 3 days in a row and tells me i’m being annoying when i simply ask him how his day was. that’s not healthy to be around, and i’m finally realizing exactly how bad it is. i mean, i’ve always known it was bad, but it took some recent events to exactly realize how bad it was. i forgot my classes in his car, and he ignored me for days when i asked if i could have them back. they’re my glasses. i need them to see. don’t tell me i’m annoying you when i have a valid reason to be contacting you. i can’t fucking see, dumbass.

nothing has really happened. i’m just realizing now how things are and i’m sad and tired and i needed to get it out somewhere. i was actually planing on not coming back to this blog. i made an entirely new blog and i’ve been posting there for the past few days. i just wanted to vent, and i knew that some of my followers here would probably have some smart things to say and could possibly help show me some light, so i had to come back for a bit.

i really appreciate all of my followers here. i really do.

i’ve been in this quicksand for quite some time. i just try to brush it off and i don’t usually vocalize it much. i’m currently trying to work on making things better for myself, but it’s hard and it’s making me realize just exactly how unhappy i really am. i’m actually no longer friends with anna, which is adding to this feeling that i have because of how i’ve treated her in the past because i have been a terrible friend to her and i never realized exactly how bad of a friend i was until it was too late. also, jonah is my ex boyfriend. jonah and i broke up 16 months ago. jonah wants to remain my friend, but he does a fucking terrible job at that, because nothing really has changed since we broke up and he still insists that i’ll never have a chance to be with him again. i’m an idiot for sticking around there, though. i just would rather be miserable and have someone to hold me at night to try to make me feel better than be miserable and alone all the time.